Recognizing an Abusive Dating Relationship
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Dennis Robinson, Family Advocacy Program

Abusive dating relationships are starting to get the attention they need, according to Dennis Robinson with Marine and Family Services Division aboard Marine Corps Logistics Base Barstow, Calif. He noted “Up to 60 percent of dating relationships can turn abusive.”

Victim Advocate Melinda Vargas has some advice to help recognize the pattern which might lead to such behavior.

”The signs of an abusive dating relationship can manifest themselves by the abusive dater speaking disrespectfully of their former and current dating partners,” said Vargas. “The abusive dater may perform unwanted or unasked for favors, not out of kindness but instead to create a sense of obligation. An abusive dater might also push the relationship faster than wanted, accompanied by demands for sexual favors before you are ready.”

She warned the abusive dater starts interrogating their partner about their daily life. “Eventually,” Vargas said, “the abusive dater will make negative comments about you, your friends and family and at some point demand you decide between them or your dating partner.” Rejection of such a choice by the victim, said Vargas “can often result in a threat of frightening anger or out right rejection if you don’t favor your dating partner.”

She said the intent of this behavior by the abuser is to separate and isolate you from your support network of family and friends and become dependent on the abuser instead. “Abusive daters are frequently self-absorbed, expecting you to satisfy their wants and needs while ignoring yours,” said Vargas, “This sets up a double standard so that what is OK for the dating abuser is not OK for their dating partner, and what is wrong with the abusive dater is blamed on the victim,” she said.

Finally, the abusive dater may gradually escalate their control said Vargas “from ‘soft’ abuse, such as pushing and pinching,” she said, “up to direct physical aggression.”

Unfortunately, Vargas said, the victims often ignore the signs of an abusive dater because they’re ashamed of getting in to the situation. “Also, being cut off from family and friends coupled with a lack of knowledge about the warning signs of the abusive dating partner,” said Vargas, “can make it difficult for the victim to escape from a destructive relationship.”

Robinson, who is a victim’s advocate, provides a basic questionnaire to help identify if you are in an abusive dating situation:

  1. Are you afraid of your dating partner’s anger?
  2. Have you abandoned any of your friends and family to be committed to your partner?
  3. Are you sad or depressed after spending time with your dating partner?
  4. Do you believe you are at fault and need to be fixed or do things right to stop the dating problems?
  5. Do you feel you can’t do anything right according to your dating partner?
  6. Finally, do you feel you can never get the last word in when discussing or debating with your dating partner?

A “yes” answer to any of these questions means you could be in an abusive dating relationship and should get help through the Marine and Family Services Division in Building 129. Call the Marine and Family Services at (760)-577-6533 for more information.

Related Articles

You may be interested in the following posts: